Ahh the smell of vanilla!

Thanksgiving has just ended and our christmas decorations are up!! I love Christmas! I've already done my Christmas shopping except for a few giftcards that I need. I'm finishing up early this year.

So nothing really going on in my life. I'm down to one class, but at least I'm passing it. I really don't like school but I hate work also. I went to the OU vs. OSU game and it was  AWESOME! We totally owned them. 48 to 17 (OU). I also got an autograph from Paul Thompson (last years quarterback). Me and my dad had so much fun!

Well, me and James are doing well as always. Our five month-iversary is a week from today on December 3rd. I can't wait till our 6 months, just cause I've never dated a guy that long! lol I really do love James, though. I've never been in love before and I used to try SO hard to pretend like I was but I really wasn't. Love is so awesome, but it's scary and it's hard. This whole "50-50" relationship thing is harder than I expected but it's worth it. "You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours". He's wonderful. =)

Ok, enough about me, how are you doing? 

Meghan

Maybe I'm not supposed to be depressed about this, but I am. Meghan got a boyfriend, or at least I think she did. All she talks to me about is Corey and how perfect he is. I look at her pictures and I see how beautiful that she has become. How confident and wonderful. I can't decided what depresses me the most...the fact that she will NEVER call me her best friend again or the fact that I am ruthelessly jealous of her. She has everything...looks, personality, love for God, a big bright future ahead of her, an amazing boyfriend...did i mention that she's PERFECT? God, I can't do this. I'm so far from being ANYTHING that is beautiful. I'm nowhere close to her. Before, I used to be beautiful and I was the one who got all of the guys and I was the one with a huge purpose. She adored ME, but now she treats me like I'm less than dirt. Sometimes I wonder if she even notices me. I know she doesn't. I know she doesn't love me anymore. I remember all the fucking times that she told me that she would NEVER stop being my best friend. She said that she loves me and could never do that. I swore up and down that I would probably be the one to forget her first, my arrogance would cause me too. But alas, my pride fell and I had to sit back as I watched hers rise....and rise....and rise....and I watched, slowly, everyone at my church begin to worship her and I was left in the background. Do you REALLY want to know why I left that church? BECAUSE OF HER! God, I can't even stand to look at her on facebook, let alone be in the same room as her. She passes by me as though I was just a wind...nothing more than something to brush her now beautiful hair away from her face.

Low. I'm nothing but low. I'm less than dirt. I'm scum. Hell, I'm not anything to be noticed. God, I remember the times when she would read this...Before she would've read this and called me, now she won't even look. She stopped caring. Why? I know why...and it's all my FAULT. God i have no reason to live anymore.

If only she was a guy. If only I was a guy then this whole stupid situation would've been fixed. I could've loved her. I could have been there with her forever. She reminds me of Josh, though I will never love him as much as I loved her, but the whole relationship is the same...this time it's "okay" for me and Josh to do the stuff we do. I wish God didn't make me a girl. THEN meghan would talk to me. I doubt it.

Sometimes I imagine that Meghan thinks about me. That she has random moments where she misses me as much as I despritely miss her all the time. I wonder if she comes back to my blogs to read them. I wonder if I mean anything to her anymore...no, I need to stop imagining that, it's not real.

Tears are coming to my eyes. I miss her. OH GOD I'M SUCH A LOSER!!!!!!!!!!! See, I can't lose Josh like I did Meghan. Noone understands why I can't get rid of him, because if I do...I'll NEVER find anyone like him again. I'll never be happy. Like Meghan, I will NEVER have a best friend again. Noone will ever compare to her. I remember when she told me that when she becomes a pastor she's going to have me come and speak sometimes and she said that everyone will know that I am her BEST FRIEND FOR LIFE. F*ck no, you know damn well that that will NEVER happen. *laugh* This is pitiful.

As She Screams, "FREEDOM!!"

So my life has offically turned into a hollow prison of rules and regulations. I come home and I feel controlled, I leave and I feel controlled. I want to move out. Move where I can finacially support myself. I want that. Of course, it's not going to happen. I want to date...lots of guys and I'm going to. I'm sick of just ONE guy. I'm sick of being "serious". I'm going to college, who gives a sht if I'm single or not? I mean...really?Yeah, marriage is great...but I'm NOT ready to find my husband...I want to be free first.

Yeah, AND my mom decided that she wants to be an effin dictator and HELLO! I'm freakin 18 now, I'm already in college (sorta) and I'm just sick of this. I can understand her controlling what comes into her house, but by F*CKING god I don't understand why she thinks that she can control what happens OUTSIDE of it! And also, I'm sick of these guys being all needy and crap. Piss! I just want to date around. I think it's pretty funny that they have no idea about each other, it makes it fun. I like having my options. I'm free to do what I want.

Ever since I was in Florida for a month I have had the deepest urge, the deepest NEED to be free. To live as I choose. I need to be AWAY from home. Away from rules. I think that tonight I'm going to stay gone...till like, 5am or so. Who can I hang out with? Who knows...but I'll find someone I'm sure. I did with Raymond and Billy. Sht, we had sooooo much fun! I'm just so angry. I'm ready to just leave and be my own person!!

I've been discovering who I am recently and I LOVE it! I'm becoming more bold, less afraid. Guys like me and I can get a ton of them if I want. I feel like rules are holding me back from truly discovering who I am. And of course I still need my mom. I call her and ask questions all the time. I don't expect to know EVERYTHING. Well, I'm sure that this one dude is waiting for me to come over. I told him I would like 20 minutes ago. God, I want to hang out with someone else but he's all I've got for now. God, I can't wait till college!!!!!!!!!!

laterz!
Katrina

I don't know what to type on here, but I feel like typing something. I really don't want to go to work today...that literally ruins my day every time I go. I hate it. So I bought the books "Wild At Heart" by John Eldredge and "Sex God" by Rob Bell. I can't wait till I finish them. I'm already 3/4th the way done with Wild At Heart. They're amazing!!

So last night I went to Josh's. Go figure, right? Well, he sent me a luring text message. It had to do with my greatest downfall that I have, so of course I went over to his house. I feel so dirty. Before, I was fine with him not in my life...the future was so wide and brilliant and I could dream of it how I pleased...now it seems so far and so scary. It's amazing how one act can change everything.

I have to go.

P.S. and NO I didn't have sex. lol

Depression/Love/and Suicide

Ow, this hurts. Poor Kevin...he has no idea.

**Remember The Stars**